Free at Last! Free at Last!

I was saving those words for something really meaningful, however, I just can't resist using them today. Karl just pulled out of the driveway with all three boys. I  have several hours in which to work on the house. My number one goal: Get all laundry washed. If I were an overachiever I'd say folded and put away, but let's be realistic. Number two goal is to shampoo the library and dining room carpet. The library is so wrong without the sofa. It is worn and needed to be relegated to the messier family-friendly family room, but this settee isn't working for me. It is small and on a whim I bought emerald green. While lovely, it is just sucks the light out of the room. I need to get a throw, I guess. And the room is off balance and weird. I took my rocker down to the family room last time we had a fire, and I think I will leave it there. So this room is empty.

If I had a daycare I have it all planned out. A pack n play (something light-beigey greyish( in each corner. Lots of faux sheepskin rugs (because Alec is slightly allergic to real lambskin. Low light shelves with baskets filled with wooden and woolen and nature-provided toys. A swing or two for difficult days. A small fence separating walkers from nonwalkers. Ideally, the dining room would be the toddler play area, but I don't think I can convince Karl to let me put the table in the kitchen. Baskets of chunky books and beautiful watercolor posters. Nothing garish or overly primary. Rainbow silks hanging from the ceiling. Use the dresser in here for extra toys/diapers/and put a changing pad on top. A small wooden table and chairs. A rocker or two.
Eh, we'll see.

Ideally I will get some painting in, but I am not feeling the stores today, so maybe I will stay home. I really need to do something with the powder room (such a stupid name) by the family room. A new toilet seat, a good scrubbing. Fresh hand towels. A new paint color, a new table or shelf with some pretties.

But for now, I am exactly where I need to be. Alone. In a quiet house (maybe not my mountaintop cabin, but enough), writing the words that are flowing through me.

Tierney and I are slowly working towards our online business. It is hard, all we are trying to learn. And we are trying to keep costs low.

I have another idea, but that idea requires me flat out making decisions, sticking with them, seeing the positive in them, so that I can be more of an authority on---life and decision-making. That requires a lot from me. Because I do flip-flop. I want to do it all, I guess. I want security with freedom, and that is rare. I want money in my pocket with working less. This change has to be a decision I make and see through and I know that. And it scares me, so I stir it, taste it, and move it back to the back burner to simmer awhile longer. I am sure there is a certain decisive personality out there who hates me. I'm okay with that. Sort of. Really, why can't you all just see the rainbow in my heart and love me already?  I like swimming in the feelings and thoughts. Even if I never do anything about it. I think that bothers a lot of people. But it make me feel alive.

Now, the dryer has stopped. The work must begin!

It's Morning!

Whilst I may live in eternal fatigue, I am still very much a morning person. I see Karl lounging in bed, dozing throughout the morning hours, and I feel a twinge of envy, because to sleep feels so nice. However, I am always a morning person, and given a quiet hotel room to sleep and sleep in, I will choose to wake up and be conscious.

Not too much has been accomplished. My countertops are painted. Now they are all the same color again, which 100% better, but they are old and cracked and grooved. I try to tell myself, old world, old European, don't throw it all out in a landfill yet, but I do like beauty and so it is a little hard. My inlaws offered to give us $4000 for the kitchen this summer. They suggested new lower cabinets, counters, and a new subfloor, dishwasher, and sink. Now you know and I know, $4000 won't cover all that, but I smiled and said I would think about it. So thinking about it: the lower cabinets aside from the one under the sink, are fine. I mean they are wood-finished which isn't the style right now, and a little dingy and rough around the edges and floor, but they do not need thrown out. Wood finish will eventually come back in, and then what are all those with painted cabinets going to do? I will just scrub and wax and live with them. I sort of like them Now under the sink is a mess. We had a long leak, we didn't know about because we had locked it up to keep Alec out from under there. The bottom broke through and needs replaced. We will do that easily this week. I mean, with plywood. Who cares? I may sloppy paint in there too, because brightness makes me happy and it gets dark and dingy under the sink. Karl changed the faucet, and while not quite perfect, it is a vast improvement.

The sub floor, has some warping from years of various leaks. The hardwood has a crack of a few millimeters showing there is damage. But I just don't care that much. I can throw a rug down when the inlaws are here if it stresses them out. Now counters. I WANT new beautiful stone counters. I love marble, but I'd settle for granite. I would love that. But.....when it comes down to resale value, I think the first step is to replace the central AC. Because ours went out last year, after throwing nearly a thousand dollars at it, we stopped using it, and bought window AC's. And they work (although they are loud). However, if we had to sell in a hurry, I think the AC trumps the counters. Because who would buy a house without central air?

And Karl has about 10K in medical bills from last year, we ought to consider. So yeah. No pretty counters for me yet. Here's the thing: I sort of get a kick out of being the granny in my old house, with my outdated, painted countertops. It is kind of romantic, you know? If only I didn't have to work and could stay home and just ... be.  A girl has to dream.

I can't believe Spring break is more over than not. I feel anxiety rising in my belly, but I am not sure what is wrong. Oh, I dreamed about coteaching. The teachers let me know that Kathy was much better at it than me (she is, hands down. I sort of blank out when I am not running the show-It is hard to stay engaged-I am still looking for elementary! as much as I love what I am teaching this year, it won't last, and I need to work and plan and not be idle because then my brain checks out into lala land of imagination). I know I have to make changes, but the job market looks really lousy this year. And change is hard, and I am tired. It takes a lot of energy to start over. I am praying. I woke up yesterday with the knowledge that I should do home daycare, ran the bills one more time, and just don't think I can. It is our fault, it is the credit card debt, and of course, worries about retirement.Also with home daycare, the money would be less predicatable and there would be a lot fewer days off. Still it is tempting. Even now after running the numbers and seeing the possible financial ruin before me, my heart is pulling at my clothes begging for more freedom. Is it free to be stuck at home with kids? Is it free to have only two weeks off per year (and have to deal with irriated parents-and trust me-I'd be taking my two weeks).

See. I had decided I couldn't afford it, but this brain-this brain keeps wracking itself for alternatives. Just make it until income tax refund! That is what it is telling me. Oh-to have a crystal ball of the future and alternate futures. It would make everything so much easier. Do I want to do daycare, or do I want to be free? Do I want to watch kids or do I want to not have a boss and make my own schedule? And does any of that matter? How does everyone march off to work each, leaving behind their kids (and let me tell you, my big ones are driving me crazy this week), and home and feel like all is right with the world?
I don't.

Spring Break is Here!

Spring break has arrived. I have ordered seeds from Bakers Creek Heirloom seeds, and plan to start a small spring veggie garden. I downloaded  plans from the better homes and garden website to keep it simple. As soon as they get here I will start some indoors, but I think some can put out directly. It's warm this year. Risky? They cost about $2.00 a packet, so...
We are supposed to get rain today and tonight, so I am going to let that soften up the yard before I start digging. I wanted to do my vegetable garden in little bits, because that will make the workload smaller.

Spring break. It's nice. Spring and fall are the times of year when I yearn so desperately to be home with my kids. I still find it astounding that I could have such desire to be home, and yet be unable to (okay, maybe if we moved to the west side of town and lived very very very cheaply, but that isn't acceptable). So, I just need to focus on the things working does get me..grown up time, money to just buy things without thinking, money to purchase heirloom seeds rather than discount seeds from Walmart. Yeah. The imperfections of real life. Then I read people's happy, perfect little blog, and I can only hope they or their husbands are fighting secret little demons. I know. That isn't nice. I am not always nice. You'll survive.

So we have been doing things Sunday and yesterday, but last night I hit the wall, as Karl likes to say. I could not go to prayer/book group, and I couldn't even stay up for a movie. Part of me wonders if I am fighting some cancerous illness that is sucking my energy away...but it isn't a strong enough part to prompt me to go like, get a pap smear or something crazy like that.

Oh I want a baby. A little person, filled with personality and potential. I LOVE making new people. Well, not the exhausting, physical part. Not the angry, hormonal part. But just the idea of a whole new person coming to life. Spring. But...Karl would have to work nights, and as soon as he graduates, he is trying to position himself to make management, and that requires an open schedule. So, financially it would be a nightmare. And my vision of a sweet little mini-me, to take to dance, and shop with, and bake with, could very well be a boy, and most definitely would turn into a teenager. And I don't want to leave a baby all day, and I can't stay home with it, so what's the point. So, I will take a deep breath and focus elsewhere. What else do I want in this world?

And then I remember, maybe it isn't about what I want in this world, but what I bring to it. It's hard to get used to that way of thinking. It sounds nice on a meme, but in reality, it is hard to live that way. I do like a challenge, though. How does one keep one's focus on others. That doesn't come naturally. We are all so selfish. It is so easy to see what's missing, what isn't right, than what is.

And the ground is wet, with last night's silent rain. And a thunderstorm is coming. And I had plans, and my energy is fleeing. How do I be the mother I want when I am so tired all the time. How do I follow through with the ideas, when exhaustion cries out from every cell of my body. How do I stay home and rest this summer, when I desperately want new countertops, and I have loan to pay off? Sigh.

Happy March!

Making a coffee bar

I have wanted to put in a coffee bar for quite some time. We had a dresser with the Keurig in my last home, but I just hadn't gotten around to doing it here.
Since today is a snow day (yay for being a teacher!), I decided to at least get started.

Now, here is the dream coffee bar. Unfortunately, it looks nothing like my house. I know I said a year or two ago I was over the chalkboard thing, but apparently, I am not.

I found this on decoholic:

Decoholic




But again. Nothing like my house.

Here is what I am actually working on:

Not quite the same:o).

As you can see, it's not finished.
Issues:

1. My coffee pots need a good scrubbing.
2. I need a place for mugs.
3. I need to utilize the shelf below.
4. It's too close to the kitchen table which we only use for laundry. We tend to stick the kids at the counter to eat, and if we eat as a family we eat in the dining room. So I would like a smaller table and/or I would like to get rid of the table (then I'd have a weird open space, though).

So, it's a start. I used the entryway table, which was rather narrow for my small entryway, so my husband will be happy, he won't be bumping into that. But now, I need to get a smaller table or something to got there. Maybe a narrow chest. We'll see.

Ideas are appreciated.

Nearly Christmas

Time to get nostalgic!

The house isn't as Christmassy as it could be, but that's okay. All the little things are out: the girls' angels (Gabe broke two wings this year!), Caleb's nutcrackers, Liam's Santas, and Gabe's snowmen. The tree has been purchased and decorated. A few little wall things are up. I had intended to drive to Greenfield for Sara Jean's sale, but it just didn't happen. I just didn't have a babysitter.

This has been a really emotional year for me. Maybe I am always emotional. I just keep thinking eventually, I will master all these feelings and be detached and move on with life. But maybe I won't. When I do meet someone so in control, I usually distrust them. I like honesty, I like sharing my experiences, even when I am in the midst of the feeling the emotions. I will come back later and analyze with greater perspective, but for the time, I like the alive feeling.
But I feel bad about that, for some reason.

But this is the wrong blog for such self-analysis. That's for Just Jill.;o)

This is about Christmas!

I have a couple things to buy that I have been procrastinating on. But the crowds don't bother me so much, anymore. And the places I have gone haven't been bad. I am starting to wonder about the big kids, however. Trying to remember what they got. Was it enough? Was it fair and even? Not sure. I need to keep a list.

I think I will post some old Christmas photos, and maybe later take pictures of some pictures in albums to share. Because I know you care;o).


Happy Christmas Eve Eve!

For the record, this outfit was NOT my style. I thought it was mortifying. I did like the fake emerald necklace, though.

This weekend

It is looking like it will be a beautiful day, if the view out the front window is any indicator.

I am SO happy I am not doing Lassies now! Besides the awkward, not knowing how to help, and not clicking well with the sponsor, there would have been two parades this weekend, and  yet I am home! I would have only made $1000 for the whole year, which is less than 100 a month (less than 10 an hour of pay)(they do it year round). So while I am sad about the idea of not helping out, in reality, it has saved me stress and awkward moments trying to make small talk with someone where it just wasn't working. And I am home! God really does know best! Oh, I have decided to be religious, for a variety of reasons, which make me smile.

Now, we MUST get a tree. 

I had wanted to go to Sara Jean's Open House in Greenfield, however, I am not sure that will happen. I just don't want to bring the boys, and Karl works. Today is the last day. We will see if one of the teens wakes up and can babysit, but otherwise, it's a no. I wonder if all the good stuff if gone, anyway?

I think I will make snowflakes with the boys and maybe find another handmade ornament or two to make. They would like that. I am not really good with crafts, especially I don't like the planning and organizing part. But really, a little effort would go a long way. 

Or course we can make paper chains, but I just saw pipe cleaner chain garlands, and that might be fun and easy. 

This Web site Feels Like Home has some great ideas.

Also, we ought to visit the drive-thru nativity at Gabe's preschool at Glendale Christian Church. The boys really enjoyed it last year. 

And finally, I would really like to challenge myself to do the cardio video at least once this weekend, and definitely, I will walk the dog twice. The dog walk is only about 1. 3 miles, but it's better than not. I could do it twice, but that would be dull.

Happy weekend. Enjoy all your holiday preparations! What are you doing this weekend?

Busy Days

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. We went to my dad's family's get together, which always feels like having a good meal with polite strangers. Granted, the only way to get to know them is to spend more time with them, but Karl is always ready to go and it is so far from home. If we stay too late, then we'd be driving home super-tired, which isn't very responsible. And so.

The younger males in the extended family like to play a little football after dinner.

We had Taryn, my sweet 16-year-old take some of our annual Thanksgiving shots to use on Christmas cards. I was rather disappointed to see the reality of my body in a sweater dress, but the close-ups of our face were nice, although Karl was making weird eye expressions.
                                     

Last night, Tierney and Jake came over. We went to K-mart to buy a game and visit Taryn, but unfortunately, she was working register and the line was just outrageous. So we waved and went on to Walgreens, where they bought Farkle and we took it home to play. Liam is old enough to understand it, so he played, too.

Today it is my turn to make a turkey lunch for Karl's parents. Which would be okay, except I still need to get groceries (assuming we don't want canned yams and Stove Top stuffing with our turkey (which sounds fine to me, but...)

It's raining. It is nice and Novembery, except I have to stand out to get the dog to do his business.

                                     
I am thankful for many things. Technically, aside from not being a homeschooling mom, I have everything I ever wanted. Interesting how your mind works to find more things to want, though.

:o).