Rumbling Thunder and a Good Morning Yawn

It's Sunday morning. Karl and I talked about going to church. In fact, church and Sunday football are why we struggled so hard to get his schedule changed. Now he is off on Sunday, and I haven't gone yet.
We are both so bashful in such situations. Karl feels insecure about his station in life, but the only way he is going to rise up, is to fake it, look people in the eye and keep working towards what he wants. I don't know what my inner motivation is or isn't. Maybe it's the same, although I don't mind eye contact. Shaking hands is a problem. I have been neglecting my sweat treatments, and you know that moment when they make you stand and introduce yourself? Well, I feel pretty awkward insisting on a fist bump instead. I did a quick treatment this morning-I'll have this cup of coffee and see if it has an effect. If no sweat, then we will pull it together and go somewhere. If I sweat, then we will just have to wait until next week. Do you guys see what I go through? Before the sweat treatment, the anxiety over the sweating! It made me sweat more.
So happy I found it. Really. If you have a perfect body that doesn't do weird things, you might not imagine, but I don't. I am a lactose-intolerant, hands and feet sweating mess!

Anyway, we will see how that goes. The preschool's traditional service, which Karl prefers (he doesn't want any of that contemporary music stuff-he's so funny), is at 8:30, which I don't see happening at this point today. So we will go elsewhere or nowhere. That's another part of our issue. Denomination. We are both wobbly on our belief systems, so finding a fit will be interesting.

Same old stuff. I guess. It's fun to think about for me, though.

Karl doesn't want another baby! I can't imagine why. Well, he has two sons, but I just see this daughterless future stretching ahead of me, and I don't like it. I mean, of course I still have daughters, but Taryn is gone a lot and at a sulky age, and Tierney doesn't live here. Boys are nice, but they are not the same. I am not saying we won't have great times, but it isn't the same. We really can't afford another kid in daycare anyway, and technically it isn't the last time we could try, but as a teacher I think May is the best time for birth, and while I said last night, today is technically the very last day it could happen for that. I haven't been charting temperatures or anything, so I am not certain. It's not worth that much effort. I do have five kids. But I don't want a baby with someone who doesn't want one. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I know how helpless I felt when I got pregnant with Gabe, and how upset I was with Karl for not doing his expected part to prevent Gabe (fyi, this method has worked for me for 25 years so long as the man did his part). Of course there was the nearly five year dry spell between J and Karl. Blech. J. I mean yeah, he was a nice enough guy, but as comfortable as old pair of sweatsocks. Disappointing. We were never a couple. I wanted that, sort of, but I also knew we were just all wrong. The sweatsock thing. I don't regret the dry spell. I mean I could have found men, but I just don't like casual relationships. I am a very serious person. I think that was most surprising following my divorce.

When you are married, men are sweet and you feel like they are watching out for you (even if they really aren't. Perception). When you are not, men are out to have some fun, regardless of your tender heart (Again, how I perceived it). And the sweet ones are usually trying too hard and turning you off, and it's so hard to find just that right balance. Then I met Karl and his crazy mess, and he liked me, but was unsure about me (he though I was crazy, I knew he was a bucket of...complications). And I liked him, but he could still get younger, freer girls (at least for the night), and was unsure. He said it was all my books and the fact that I called him out when he was wrong. I just don't like inconsistencies. Glad it worked. Shrug.

So no baby for me. I kind of felt like I packed that away when Gabe was born. He was my sweet little surprise, but baby fever hits hard, and who doesn't want another person in their family to love? Other women seem happy with their choice, but surely they get baby fever, too. Maybe they are just strong-willed enough to remain secure in their decision. Regardless of what those tests say, I definitely go with my heart.

I do think about fostering and then adopting one or a small sibling group, but I think it would be even harder to get Karl on board that. Plus I heard that it's boys who have the most trouble finding homes, and of course, I would like to raise a little girl, so I feel guilty about all those boys who won't get forever families. Maybe boy/girl siblings. But, I have no idea how it works, or if I could afford it, I mean if I can't afford daycare for a baby, can I pay for adoption? Do you have to pay for adoption for foster kids? Also, there would be counseling costs, I imagine. I mean, you don't lose your birth family forever without there being scars. Things to think about.
It's kind of embarrassing and classically female, and some part of me yells, "Weak!", this desire to nurture small things. I don't want to be one of those people who live through their dogs. I mean, pets are great, don't get me wrong, but they aren't people.
What am I missing? This ache just sits here.

I wish daycares paid a living wage. I would work with the babies. I could try a home daycare, but I think I would get lonely without other adults around, and the money isn't stable.

Well. I have been stagnating for years, but there is something more for me to do. I believe this. I just don't know what it is.

I do love my older kids and my boys. I just want...more.

Happy Sunday! September 13th, right?:o) We will see. Karl gets so worked up, we often just have to turn the game off because my sensitive soul (I am, I swear), can't handle the red-faced string of obscenities coming from my husband.

Lately

Apparently Liam doesn't have all his shots for Kindergarten. They had sent me a paper, but I thought the central office just hadn't sent it along, and he had them all. I mean he has had a lot. It's ridiculous, but I guess they want him to have more. So I am going to take the morning off and hopefully, we will be able to get that taken care of today.

I haven't been getting enough sleep with Gabe having trouble falling asleep in his room lately. And of course, he won't stay in his bed.

It's just that time of year when I wish I could homeschool and stay home with my kids, and everything is just so different than what I thought it was going to be.

We just don't make enough money for me to stay home. And I know it's sexist and immature, but it makes me feel less valuable as a woman that I have to work, and can't stay with my little ones. I can't explain it, really. And my job. Sigh. Any attempts to make it more meaningful have been rebuffed, so I guess I will just put on my upbeat, silly Jill face (do people really buy that?), and go on with life.

I guess I am not that good at staying home. I don't interact enough when I do that, and I withdraw with shyness. That's not good for me or the boys.

Tierney and Jake are struggling. They are raising their rent again, to a point where they don't think they can pay the bills. I want to help them, but what can I do? I offered to pay her to drive the kids to and from school, but it probably wouldn't be enough, and she has to sleep sometime. So I got a thanks, but no thanks, on that:o).

Karl and I are talking about going to church. Again. The truth is, we are both shy. Karl wants a traditional service, which doesn't make sense, because I think he is agnostic. I just want to not be annoyed. I think it's good for the kids, though to have had faith in something bigger than themselves.

I think I am just a bit depressed. I suppose it will pass. Things are flavorless now, but something will come along. Maybe I will start reading again.

Moving

   Did I mention we bought a house? We did. It was the split level I liked, which I mentioned in an earlier post. Now the time issue regarding student loans, has changed some. First it was pushed back to September 15, instead of June, and it might not have affected me, since I had an established payment. So a little part of me is like darn! we could have gotten something new and better with more time to look. But I suppose I'd drive myself better thinking like that (there will ALWAYS be missed opportunity), and I like the house.

   Today I will be busy finalizing summer school plans. I am going to have an intern from MSU, which on the one hand will be nice, but on the other, I wanna do it myself, wah. Anyway. I need to have everything organized and ready for the going-into-kindergarteners on Monday. I am excited! We are going to be trying out the new technologies for math and reading (basically, they will be working on software in each up to 30 minutes a day, each), and also doing a fun thing called-oh, I don't remember, but basically, you give them materials (and possibly a project or problem to solve), and they get to find a creative way to make something on their own. It's supposed to trial and error. It sounds like a great idea to me. The only thing I didn't like was during the training  we were working in groups of four, and I really felt I could do better work if I could just take the materials to my corner and work on them, and then share with the group. I needed time to actually touch and manipulate the materials, and I couldn't do that with the group. So I will let them work individually if they choose, and then have them share the results. I think the hard part will be not just letting it turn into arts and crafts.

   We plan to move the big furniture out tomorrow, but we won't have cable moved over until Tuesday. That is going to be unpleasant. It'll be like 1994 without any internet. I used to read a lot more. I personally will be too busy to care too much, but the kids'll be bored. 

   I'll post pics, soon.

Still Waiting

We have to provide some more information. This makes sense, since we closed a CD and put it in the bank account to pay bills down. However on our statements and online it just says, "Deposit." We are unable to show where it came from. The bank wrote in the CD and the number of the CD and notorized it, but was unable to print something that said it was from a CD. Hopefully that will work. Now that we are getting closer to closing date, I am getting a little nervous. It's only 2.5 weeks away, and we aren't sure yet?

I also let Taryn look in the windows and drove Caleb by, so I feel like more people would be involved if it results in a disappointment.

I am trying to be all zen about it, you know, "If it's meant to be it will be. Otherwise, something better is waiting."

But the law on student loans and home loans is changing supposedly (and it's not in my favor-if it does it will hurt the market), and I am  up at 3 a.m. stressing, so I don't know how well the zen thing is working.

And I feel sick. 

An Offer

We put in an offer on a home..and it was accepted. Now to just wait it out.

After years of expecting Liam to go to school at Rountree or to find a southeast school, it's sort of weird to think he will start at Horace Mann in August (although he is signed up for summer school at Rountree). This was never an area I imagined moving. But here we are. Now we just have to hope there are no bumps in the loan, and life moves smoothly on.
I am a little scared, but also apprehensive about moving. At least the boys will have summer school, so I can move things slowly through the summer. I think I have Gabe signed up for M/W/F mornings this summer. I will have to doublecheck. I guess it's a good thing I didn't find a summer school job.



House pics

House hunting is supposed to be fun, right?

So we met with the realtor and looked at five houses today.

Number one, had some little problems, but overall we loved it and wanted it. It had a big backyard, the neighborhood was nice and clean, four bedrooms (although they were on the small side, a separate laundry room, a big deck.

The second house was big with five good-sized bedrooms, and in a quiet, almost country neighborhood. BUT the backyard was quite small, and that is just a dealbreaker. 

The third was in a nice SE neighborhood, but unfininshed. The buyer could choose the trimmings, but there is a time crunch that might be a problem (and the basement smelled damp).

The fourth Karl loved. It was quiet big. Four bedroom, three full baths, various levels (even a deeper extra room. The yard was big, had a treehouse, a wooded area along the back. Karl was ready to move it, but there there were things that bugged me. Like mildew on the shower grout, which I know can be changed, but...and just little shabby things that bugged me. And the neighborhood was Mark Twain and just not quite as nice as I'd like. Karl wants this house. 

The fifth I loved, it was an older home which has been updated, but there is no bathroom upstairs which is just crazy. 

So Karl keeps asking me what is wrong with the fourth, and I keep telling him my gut says I don't want to live there. So blah.

Tomorrow, we are going to look at the fourth and the first again in reverse order, and see how we feel. Ugg.

Just an Update

We called a loan officer and started all the stuff for buying a house. We didn't ask the right questions (things like rates and fees) because we just expected a big no.
Although we weren't pre-qualified for as much as we had hoped, we did get an approval for 150K (it was 115K when we were making half as much, but then I guess actually being able to pay the bill is helpful. It costs a lot to feed my family), which would easily buy a 4 bedroom house somewhere, if we can find someone to take our terms (they have to cover closing costs). Someone will be desperate enough.

I can't really say I am excited, because we have been here before and still been denied in the end. But, I guess it won't have a chance to happen unless we try.