Another Weird Thing

On my other blog I wrote a post, Why Downton AbbeyWhy downton abbey, in which I hinted at the feeling that someone was in my room around the time my mom's heart stopped the second time. But I remember the morning before her heart stopped the first time, I was listening to I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis, the Susan Boyle version my  mother loved so much. I couldn't help but think of how lonely her life had been of late. She didn't have a partner, she didn't have...well here, here is the draft I wrote and never posted...

"While I had heard snippets of it, it wasn't until after seeing Les Mis at the theatre that I decided to listen to it. Susan Boyle's version was a favorite of my mom's. I remember listening to the lyrics and thinking about how lonely my mom must be-how hard facing illness and old age must be without a partner. This was odd, because I usually just didn't think about such things, although I was feeling guilty for ignoring the call that invited me over.  Sometime within the next 30 minutes, the dialysis center called me to tell me her heart had stopped.They had restarted it and sent her to Cox South.
I guess I knew it was coming. If you had asked me I would have told you I hoped for another couple years, but I guess I knew. I was reluctant to take my mom to see Les Mis because I was afraid the scene at the end would make her think it was okay to let go. The last time she came over she said she just couldn't make it up the steps anymore. When we went to the movies, she said she couldn't do it again. Although still round, she was no longer terribly heavy. At around 210, she was still overweight, but there are a lot of women pouncing around at 210. She just couldn't do it.

I suppose I knew after she had her heart test and they found all the blockage and did not think it could be corrected with surgery. How long can you go with your heart clogging up?

I keep thinking of these little clues, unwilling to give in, because I wasn't willing to give her permission to stop fighting.

I think of the past two years and how I could have went over more, helped her out more, kept her company more. But let's be honest, mothers and daughters can have testy relationships and she did drive me crazy sometimes. I know my lack of warmth disappointed her, but even when I feel warm, it doesn't seem to show. I feel some guilt, but I feel guilt over not feeling more guilt. "



So what's weird. The fact that I took time time out to think about my mom and her experiences instead of reflecting on my own life, right before the dialysis clinic called me. Maybe there is something to that psychic connection stuff.