Still Cold

Really, it's Thursday and it still feels like winter! Nice.

I have not been doing the Tabata, due to the car accident. I don't want to push it. I ache like I did an amazing workout, but I think it's just muscle tension. The bruise is big and black and ugly, but it doesn't hurt. I hurt all around my sides, the muscles around my ribs, and when I lift my arms. I am curious to know why, but maybe they just tensed up to protect my body or something.

We can't really settle until I have my ER bill, but honestly, as far as the van, if it is totaled it was a 2000, so I don't know how much we will get for it. But, we'll make do, somehow. We may even just get a car. I prefer the van-it feels safer, and we can take everyone in it, but anywhere in town, we can just take two cars if we have to. It's annoying just having the truck, though. It'll be a long weekend, not being able to go anywhere.

The guy's insurance company said they haven't been able to get in touch with him, so they should have the police report tomorrow. It'd be nice to get a rental, even if it's just for a while. I know we probably can't get one until we get replace the van, but a bit of freedom would be good.

My dad over heard him in the gas station (right by where the accident occurred) yesterday, going on and on about how both lights were green, trying to get a witness, but then why is he avoiding his agent.

I do feel for the guy. Accidents and their repercussions are not pleasant or ever desired, but...

Anyway, I so long for a bath, but Gabe doesn't sleep very well, and what's the point, if I will just have to get out. I am working at Glendale tomorrow afternoon. I really need to work more. There are just all these appointments that get in the way.

Next week. I want a Monday afternoon, Wednesday afternoon, Thursday afternoon, and Friday afternoon.
Caleb has a Tuesday appt. and Wednesday is the only day I can work mornings now, but I going to get my fasting bloodwork done.:o(.

Anyway, I am tired and boring tongiht, so bye!

I found the Christmas photos!

This was supposed to show off my Christmas bow! Where is it?

I love the random things on the floor. Light saber..bowl. Good Grief.

My annual Christmas picture. Getting older....

Wow..Christmas chaos.

Madison's pictures are always blurred, it seems.

My baby boy(his pants are too tight..he needs a husky-or sweats).

Tierney, Patchen, Lucien

Beautiful Rowan

I thought I'd lost them.

Wanna see something gross?

You must. You clicked...

Ignore the stretch marks. I usually wouldn't show them off, but knowing I am an overweight mom of five, you should have realized I'd have them!

I think that is where the arm rest on the door hit me. 

Goodbye

Goodbye my minivan. Hello discomfort and car sharing!
I was hit by someone who ran a red light. Thankfully, he hit the driver's side, and none of the babies were with me. Taryn is fine, and Madison is fine. I hurt. I went to the ER, but nothing really wrong, just pain. They said it'd be worse tomorrow. I hope to goodness that guy's insurance is good.
Can't really take anything with breastfeeding, but maybe tylenol or something.

Yawn. I hate the headache of insurance and finding another auto.

As we were leaving the ER, Tierney called and said Gabe had a game piece stuck in his mouth. We live less than five minutes away, so we came home, and it was indeed stuck. Went to urgent care, they couldn't get it easily, and were afraid it would go down his throat if he did, so we rode in an ambulance to the Er. The ER doc got it out in just a few seconds. I felt silly.

Glad to be home, though.

I am too beat to write more. Yawn.

Snapshots of Life

Just a few pictures of our pretty day (and the steps a couple days ago).

It's turning into a day already.

Taryn didn't sleep much, but made it out the door, and missed the bus. I told her she needed to get going, but she just doesn't learn that her bus in unpredictable and she needs to be early. Since her back is hurting so bad (she says it feels like a chinese throwing star digging in at her lower and upper back-I guess from the scoliosis), I went ahead and called in to her school-as oppose to getting everyone up and dressed. Liam was refusing to get dressed.
I didn't clean the kitchen last night. I ran the dishwasher, but there was still a sinkload and I ignored it, and it's a mess. Caleb and Tierney didn't do their chores. Taryn didn't do hers. The same kids that say, "I KNOW, Mom" when I nag them to do them, ignored them when I didn't. Liam is cranky.
I stupidly didn't put a lid on Liam's water/orange/carrot juice mix, so of course, he spilled some on the couch.
I had some coffee beans in big bowls for sensory play for Liam (and to freshen the house), and he started throwing them on the floor first thing today. Arg.

I MUST get Liam out to play in the snow before it's gone, but at this rate, I just want to go to bed. At least Gabe is still sleeping (he woke four times last night!).



Love,

Jill (who really does like the pretty snow)

Tabata?

Time to workout is hard to uncover-Might this work for me?

Tabata--which my brother introduced me to--I did two intervals today of pretend jumproping, until Liam started hanging on me. I felt slightly nauseated, but now I feel refreshed.
I will hve to keep it up.

The Oscars

I did enjoy the Oscars, although, it was definitely NOT a kid friendly show. And "We Saw Your Boobs"? Really?
I wish I had seen more of the movies, because several of them looked good. Of course, I saw Les Miserables and enjoyed that immensely, but I wanted to see several more. Let's see:

Argo
The Life of Pi,
Lincoln,
Ummm, that one with Jennifer Lawrence
Amour

They all looked interesting to me. I don't care much about Zero Dark Thirty, or the airplane one, or the Bond one.

So, this list gives Karl and me something do on our evenings together (since he works nights, we only have two evenings a week to chill-I can't concentrate on movies in the middle of the day). Right now, we have started watching The Thornbirds. We have made it through part one, so there are three more parts. So that's nice. Hopefully, I'll remember this list when we are sitting around, wondering what to do:o).

Have a good one.
We may get some snow here-it's so hard to predict- in a day or so, so I am excited, naturally. I would love a real snowfall for Liam to play in.

Well, that's weird

I was putting sunscreen on my face this morning (which I admit is not the daily practice it once was-I just don't care as much about wrinkles anymore. Wrinkles=wisdom.
Anyway, I noticed these grey crescents over the top of my brown eyes. Very creepy. I did a search and here is what I found:

Old age
Cholesterol
Blood pressure
Contact scarring
Mercury poisoning
Native American ancestry

Now, despite what my 13 year old would tell you, I am not that old. I don't  know my cholesterol, but I'll be having it checked within a month or two. My blood pressure is fine. I could have contact scarring, but all of a sudden? I doubt it. I have had braces and do have fillings, and I do eat a lot of canned salmon (although that supposed to be low in mercury, but we know you can't trust the food companies/FDA). I don't know if I have Native American ancestry, but I have some family members on my dad's side that sure look like they do.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I suppose we are all a little imperfect

When I was in fourth grade, I didn't want my mom to come eat lunch at school because my friends would see that she was fat. Now that I struggle with weight, I think that was ridiculous. And I am so lucky my kids never judged me so harshly. My mother was vibrantly human.

Early Morning

Liam was yelling. YELLING from his room . He told me before, "I yelled really, really loud," when he wanted to wake me up. It worked. We got up. Four a.m. I tried snuggling up with an old comforter and pillow on the loveseat-he wanted the couch, and I was too tired to argue-but he wouldn't stop talking. Finally, I gave up. Some strong coffee and some internet, and I am awake. Sort of.
He went in the bedroom and woke Gabriel. Some nursing and Gabe is now playing on the livingroom floor. I . feel. sick. from fatigue.

I looked through some cottage blogs which was fun. Just type in cottage blogs and you will find all sorts of lovely blogs with darling pictures, and fabulous looking lives. It makes me want to do this and that to my house, but I suppose a little at time is good enough. I always want to be all or nothing.
Actually, the best thing for my house's decor, will be when Gabe outgrows all the baby paraphernalia. The big round jumpy seat, the bouncer (I think he has outgrown this), the activity mat, the various toys strewn about. The toys have stretched beyond Liam's room again; I need to weed through them.

I was having a lot of pain while breastfeeding for the last month. At first, I thought it was because my supply was so low from all the time in the hospital, but it was still lasting on the right side, to the point of almost tears, when Gabe latched on and pulled off. Finally I broke down and bought the cheapest Evenflo electric pump. I have found if it isn't electric, it won't work for me. It's not the best pump as I can only get an ounce in about ten minutes, but it's enough to relieve the pressure during the day. I can nurse on that side at night, for some reason, I think because he isn't tugging and pulling and trying to look around the room. I used to make light of other people's nursing/nipple pain, but now that I have it, I can say it sucks. Thankfully, I only had mastitis once with Gabe (not at all with Liam). That is pain. I just want to prevent it now. I was in so much pain, I thought of weaning him, even though he is only six months.

Gabriel has one little tooth poking through, another one near. It's hard to watch him grow, but my tired body is looking forward to the freedom of an older kid, too. It'll come. He scoots all over and has to be watched carefully. Liam is quite pleasant. I can't believe he will be three at the end of April. He is a lot of company. He talks all the time. He loves to talk, and he will tell you so. I just don't like this four in the morning thing. He drags his blanket and pillow on the floor nearly every night. Last night, he was sleeping, and spilled his glass of water, which he also brought to floor all over his quilt. That's why he was yelling for me.

He has actually been pulling his underwear down to use the potty. He would go if he was naked (unless he was just in a "mood") in the potty, but we are tired of him running around naked, so I made a sticker chart. Each time he pulls his pants down (or asks for help) to use the potty, he gets a sticker. The past two days have been pretty good. He has seven stickers I think. When the chart is full (30 stickers), I promised him the toy chainsaw he wants.

Yawn. Have a good one.

The Truth Is

It has been a month since my mom died, and this anxious, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is only getting worse. I love my girls, but I miss her.

I am lonely. I believe in homeschooling, but I haven't been able to work more than a half day a week, and I tell you, being home all the time is making me bitter. It's freaking hard to be a with a two year old and a sixth month old all the time. And they're boys! I am not that interested in the things Liam is interested in. It's hard feigning interest in construction vehicles every day.
How can I homeschool and still meet my needs? I feel like I am stuck between doing what I believe is a better choice for the boys and doing what I think I need.
I am just afraid if I don't find a job, I will lead this tiny, lonely, insignificant life for decades. I guess I should get out more. But it's chilly out!

I am up too late-tomorrow will be rough. I got caught up making photo books on Shutterfly and the time passes so quickly doing that.

Most of the time, I am okay with everything, but underneath it all, I find I am waiting for everything to go back to the way it was, and then I try to realize that it won't, and you know, that hurts. I will never talk to my mom again. I can't feel her. And when I do, I can't help but think I am imagining it. I guess I should be happy with that, but it's hard.

I can have faith in seeing her again, why not if I can make that choice? but it doesn't help the here and now.
It doesn't help that everyone goes through this. The lack of "specialness" in the pain, somehow diminishes my right to feel the pain, I feel.

Sigh. Well. I can't go too far down that road, because despair is not useful.
I am probably just overly tired. I never was a night person.

And that's the truth of it.




Thank God for Karl.

Grand Country Inn

Karl won a two day pass to Grand Country Inn and all it entails at work last fall, so we purchased another room and all went this weekend. As stated earlier, it was okay.

I really think it would be best for a family with elementary-aged children. My teens were a little too old, though there were fun aspects, and Liam and Gabe were just a little too young. It was nice to get away, though dropping hundreds of dollars in Branson for an okay time, is a bit annoying. I think my experienced was colored by the hot tub, when it turned off the water was full of floaters and junk, and two, getting sick Sunday morning.

Here are some pics, anyway.

Ugggg

I am exhausted, worn out, and tired.
We went to Branson this weekend, since Karl won a package for Grand Country Inn at work. It was okay..Staying a motel room with a two year old-Not so okay.

I woke up with a horrible headache on Sunday morning. Thankfully pain reliever took care of the worst of it, and now there is just pressure to let me know it's there, but it's not bad. But I have been having a fever that goes up (it's mild) and then goes away. So I am alternating regular clothes with piling on layers and blankets. My eyes are tired. My body is sore. But, it's not as bad as all that. I am working today. I signed up for an afternoon job, and forgot that Karl had an extra credit opportunity at school that he really needs to go to. Working fulltime, having small kids, and going to school, doesn't lead to the best grades, and this is a chance for an extra 5% credit.
Apparently, in his classes they are talking about the overpopulation of teachers and considering making a 3.0 GPA necessary.
SO, Tierney is going to have to leave school early and babysit. She has mostly fluff classes this semester, anyway.

My neck/back hurts. I have a cracked nipple, I think. I am a mess. Well, hopefully works goes okay.

Oh to be young again

A little shy on my birthday?

Lance looks classically handsome, and I look frumpy!

These pics were hiding at my mom's.

Update on Taryn

I just got a call that she is being referred to an orthopedist. On the one hand, that means I won't worry that maybe the doctor isn't taking it seriously. On the other hand, it means her x-ray showed a greater than 15 to 20% curve...She may be rather unhappy.

A Less Cozy Reception

The normally friendly nurse (the one who asks the preliminary questions and weighs the kids-I doubt she's an RN) was not so friendly yesterday, and I can't help but take it personally. I have been there around seven times in the past six months. Karl's going to have to do the next couple trips, and if he can't, I'll reschedule. It's awkward!
Anyway, the doctor thinks Taryn is mostly through growing (I grew until 16, so I think he's wrong, but whatever) and the scoliosis won't get much worse. We were sent to have an X-Ray to see how bad it was, but I haven't heard anything about it. I am sort of annoyed, because I really think she has another year of growing, which means another year of the curve worsening, but who am I to argue? And the normally nice doctor was rushed and uninterested, and it sort of ticked me off. Maybe it isn't a serious condition, but it's my daughter, and I don't want her back deformed.

But...maybe I am wrong. If it stays like it is, it shouldn't pose much of a problem until she gets older and weaker, so that's nice. All Taryn really cares about is being able to stay in her cheer, but frankly I wish she couldn't! It's so expensive, and she wants to join the true competitive team, instead of the performance (which is like parttime competitive) which is two or three times as much. I just can't do it.

Feeling stressed today!

Wednesday Already?

I am working on the Infinity scarf I mentioned on a previous blog, but it isn't going well! Working with my hands is a real struggle for me. Guess I will just have to keep trying.

Today is Taryn's appt. at the doctor to check on scoliosis. I am a bit nervous. I just want things to be lovely and easy and pleasant for my children.

I am loving the cleaning schedule listed at the bottom of the blog. The lady's particular views make my shoulders creep up all tense, but her cleaning schedule works pretty well for me. Better than Flylady!

Now the baby cries, and I must go!

Downton Abbey

A blogger I read frequently said she thinks Mary and Matthew will end up raising baby Sybil as Mary likely will have difficulty having a baby.
What do you think?

My favorite was, naturally, Lady Violet. "Have we nothing in common?"

I want to do...

I put this stuff on pinterest, but I always forget to go there.

Here is what I want to start this week:

I want to make one of these heart banners to decorate to decorate:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/115827243/valentine-banner-valentines-day-garland?ref=fp_treasury_7


I want to make these with the kids:

Easy T-shirts


And I want to make or at least start this infinity scarf.

So the Plan

Why so many blogs? Sometimes I just want a fresh start, but don't want to delete the old one. But I suppose this one is for homier and everyday stuff. For Smiles and Smiles is where I deal with emotions and angsty stuff, and Twinkle Stars is for kid-related stuff.

Another Weird Thing

On my other blog I wrote a post, Why Downton AbbeyWhy downton abbey, in which I hinted at the feeling that someone was in my room around the time my mom's heart stopped the second time. But I remember the morning before her heart stopped the first time, I was listening to I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis, the Susan Boyle version my  mother loved so much. I couldn't help but think of how lonely her life had been of late. She didn't have a partner, she didn't have...well here, here is the draft I wrote and never posted...

"While I had heard snippets of it, it wasn't until after seeing Les Mis at the theatre that I decided to listen to it. Susan Boyle's version was a favorite of my mom's. I remember listening to the lyrics and thinking about how lonely my mom must be-how hard facing illness and old age must be without a partner. This was odd, because I usually just didn't think about such things, although I was feeling guilty for ignoring the call that invited me over.  Sometime within the next 30 minutes, the dialysis center called me to tell me her heart had stopped.They had restarted it and sent her to Cox South.
I guess I knew it was coming. If you had asked me I would have told you I hoped for another couple years, but I guess I knew. I was reluctant to take my mom to see Les Mis because I was afraid the scene at the end would make her think it was okay to let go. The last time she came over she said she just couldn't make it up the steps anymore. When we went to the movies, she said she couldn't do it again. Although still round, she was no longer terribly heavy. At around 210, she was still overweight, but there are a lot of women pouncing around at 210. She just couldn't do it.

I suppose I knew after she had her heart test and they found all the blockage and did not think it could be corrected with surgery. How long can you go with your heart clogging up?

I keep thinking of these little clues, unwilling to give in, because I wasn't willing to give her permission to stop fighting.

I think of the past two years and how I could have went over more, helped her out more, kept her company more. But let's be honest, mothers and daughters can have testy relationships and she did drive me crazy sometimes. I know my lack of warmth disappointed her, but even when I feel warm, it doesn't seem to show. I feel some guilt, but I feel guilt over not feeling more guilt. "



So what's weird. The fact that I took time time out to think about my mom and her experiences instead of reflecting on my own life, right before the dialysis clinic called me. Maybe there is something to that psychic connection stuff.

It's a Strange Thought

Only in the past couple months before her death, did I really start to realize my mom wasn't long for the world. Sometimes I feel bad for not spending more time with her then, I was home, I could have kept her company and talked about food and been the daughter she probably once dreamed of..
But then I think, wouldn't that have made her a bigger part of my life and left a bigger hole in my life. It's probably the wrong way to think, I usually look at things in an unacceptable way, but it makes sense to me.

I needed a change!

So a new blog it is. I don't have a plan for this really, just wanted something different.