Spring break has arrived. I have ordered seeds from Bakers Creek Heirloom seeds, and plan to start a small spring veggie garden. I downloaded plans from the better homes and garden website to keep it simple. As soon as they get here I will start some indoors, but I think some can put out directly. It's warm this year. Risky? They cost about $2.00 a packet, so...
We are supposed to get rain today and tonight, so I am going to let that soften up the yard before I start digging. I wanted to do my vegetable garden in little bits, because that will make the workload smaller.
Spring break. It's nice. Spring and fall are the times of year when I yearn so desperately to be home with my kids. I still find it astounding that I could have such desire to be home, and yet be unable to (okay, maybe if we moved to the west side of town and lived very very very cheaply, but that isn't acceptable). So, I just need to focus on the things working does get me..grown up time, money to just buy things without thinking, money to purchase heirloom seeds rather than discount seeds from Walmart. Yeah. The imperfections of real life. Then I read people's happy, perfect little blog, and I can only hope they or their husbands are fighting secret little demons. I know. That isn't nice. I am not always nice. You'll survive.
So we have been doing things Sunday and yesterday, but last night I hit the wall, as Karl likes to say. I could not go to prayer/book group, and I couldn't even stay up for a movie. Part of me wonders if I am fighting some cancerous illness that is sucking my energy away...but it isn't a strong enough part to prompt me to go like, get a pap smear or something crazy like that.
Oh I want a baby. A little person, filled with personality and potential. I LOVE making new people. Well, not the exhausting, physical part. Not the angry, hormonal part. But just the idea of a whole new person coming to life. Spring. But...Karl would have to work nights, and as soon as he graduates, he is trying to position himself to make management, and that requires an open schedule. So, financially it would be a nightmare. And my vision of a sweet little mini-me, to take to dance, and shop with, and bake with, could very well be a boy, and most definitely would turn into a teenager. And I don't want to leave a baby all day, and I can't stay home with it, so what's the point. So, I will take a deep breath and focus elsewhere. What else do I want in this world?
And then I remember, maybe it isn't about what I want in this world, but what I bring to it. It's hard to get used to that way of thinking. It sounds nice on a meme, but in reality, it is hard to live that way. I do like a challenge, though. How does one keep one's focus on others. That doesn't come naturally. We are all so selfish. It is so easy to see what's missing, what isn't right, than what is.
And the ground is wet, with last night's silent rain. And a thunderstorm is coming. And I had plans, and my energy is fleeing. How do I be the mother I want when I am so tired all the time. How do I follow through with the ideas, when exhaustion cries out from every cell of my body. How do I stay home and rest this summer, when I desperately want new countertops, and I have loan to pay off? Sigh.
Happy March!
We are supposed to get rain today and tonight, so I am going to let that soften up the yard before I start digging. I wanted to do my vegetable garden in little bits, because that will make the workload smaller.
Spring break. It's nice. Spring and fall are the times of year when I yearn so desperately to be home with my kids. I still find it astounding that I could have such desire to be home, and yet be unable to (okay, maybe if we moved to the west side of town and lived very very very cheaply, but that isn't acceptable). So, I just need to focus on the things working does get me..grown up time, money to just buy things without thinking, money to purchase heirloom seeds rather than discount seeds from Walmart. Yeah. The imperfections of real life. Then I read people's happy, perfect little blog, and I can only hope they or their husbands are fighting secret little demons. I know. That isn't nice. I am not always nice. You'll survive.
So we have been doing things Sunday and yesterday, but last night I hit the wall, as Karl likes to say. I could not go to prayer/book group, and I couldn't even stay up for a movie. Part of me wonders if I am fighting some cancerous illness that is sucking my energy away...but it isn't a strong enough part to prompt me to go like, get a pap smear or something crazy like that.
Oh I want a baby. A little person, filled with personality and potential. I LOVE making new people. Well, not the exhausting, physical part. Not the angry, hormonal part. But just the idea of a whole new person coming to life. Spring. But...Karl would have to work nights, and as soon as he graduates, he is trying to position himself to make management, and that requires an open schedule. So, financially it would be a nightmare. And my vision of a sweet little mini-me, to take to dance, and shop with, and bake with, could very well be a boy, and most definitely would turn into a teenager. And I don't want to leave a baby all day, and I can't stay home with it, so what's the point. So, I will take a deep breath and focus elsewhere. What else do I want in this world?
And then I remember, maybe it isn't about what I want in this world, but what I bring to it. It's hard to get used to that way of thinking. It sounds nice on a meme, but in reality, it is hard to live that way. I do like a challenge, though. How does one keep one's focus on others. That doesn't come naturally. We are all so selfish. It is so easy to see what's missing, what isn't right, than what is.
And the ground is wet, with last night's silent rain. And a thunderstorm is coming. And I had plans, and my energy is fleeing. How do I be the mother I want when I am so tired all the time. How do I follow through with the ideas, when exhaustion cries out from every cell of my body. How do I stay home and rest this summer, when I desperately want new countertops, and I have loan to pay off? Sigh.
Happy March!
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