Free at Last! Free at Last!

I was saving those words for something really meaningful, however, I just can't resist using them today. Karl just pulled out of the driveway with all three boys. I  have several hours in which to work on the house. My number one goal: Get all laundry washed. If I were an overachiever I'd say folded and put away, but let's be realistic. Number two goal is to shampoo the library and dining room carpet. The library is so wrong without the sofa. It is worn and needed to be relegated to the messier family-friendly family room, but this settee isn't working for me. It is small and on a whim I bought emerald green. While lovely, it is just sucks the light out of the room. I need to get a throw, I guess. And the room is off balance and weird. I took my rocker down to the family room last time we had a fire, and I think I will leave it there. So this room is empty.

If I had a daycare I have it all planned out. A pack n play (something light-beigey greyish( in each corner. Lots of faux sheepskin rugs (because Alec is slightly allergic to real lambskin. Low light shelves with baskets filled with wooden and woolen and nature-provided toys. A swing or two for difficult days. A small fence separating walkers from nonwalkers. Ideally, the dining room would be the toddler play area, but I don't think I can convince Karl to let me put the table in the kitchen. Baskets of chunky books and beautiful watercolor posters. Nothing garish or overly primary. Rainbow silks hanging from the ceiling. Use the dresser in here for extra toys/diapers/and put a changing pad on top. A small wooden table and chairs. A rocker or two.
Eh, we'll see.

Ideally I will get some painting in, but I am not feeling the stores today, so maybe I will stay home. I really need to do something with the powder room (such a stupid name) by the family room. A new toilet seat, a good scrubbing. Fresh hand towels. A new paint color, a new table or shelf with some pretties.

But for now, I am exactly where I need to be. Alone. In a quiet house (maybe not my mountaintop cabin, but enough), writing the words that are flowing through me.

Tierney and I are slowly working towards our online business. It is hard, all we are trying to learn. And we are trying to keep costs low.

I have another idea, but that idea requires me flat out making decisions, sticking with them, seeing the positive in them, so that I can be more of an authority on---life and decision-making. That requires a lot from me. Because I do flip-flop. I want to do it all, I guess. I want security with freedom, and that is rare. I want money in my pocket with working less. This change has to be a decision I make and see through and I know that. And it scares me, so I stir it, taste it, and move it back to the back burner to simmer awhile longer. I am sure there is a certain decisive personality out there who hates me. I'm okay with that. Sort of. Really, why can't you all just see the rainbow in my heart and love me already?  I like swimming in the feelings and thoughts. Even if I never do anything about it. I think that bothers a lot of people. But it make me feel alive.

Now, the dryer has stopped. The work must begin!

It's Morning!

Whilst I may live in eternal fatigue, I am still very much a morning person. I see Karl lounging in bed, dozing throughout the morning hours, and I feel a twinge of envy, because to sleep feels so nice. However, I am always a morning person, and given a quiet hotel room to sleep and sleep in, I will choose to wake up and be conscious.

Not too much has been accomplished. My countertops are painted. Now they are all the same color again, which 100% better, but they are old and cracked and grooved. I try to tell myself, old world, old European, don't throw it all out in a landfill yet, but I do like beauty and so it is a little hard. My inlaws offered to give us $4000 for the kitchen this summer. They suggested new lower cabinets, counters, and a new subfloor, dishwasher, and sink. Now you know and I know, $4000 won't cover all that, but I smiled and said I would think about it. So thinking about it: the lower cabinets aside from the one under the sink, are fine. I mean they are wood-finished which isn't the style right now, and a little dingy and rough around the edges and floor, but they do not need thrown out. Wood finish will eventually come back in, and then what are all those with painted cabinets going to do? I will just scrub and wax and live with them. I sort of like them Now under the sink is a mess. We had a long leak, we didn't know about because we had locked it up to keep Alec out from under there. The bottom broke through and needs replaced. We will do that easily this week. I mean, with plywood. Who cares? I may sloppy paint in there too, because brightness makes me happy and it gets dark and dingy under the sink. Karl changed the faucet, and while not quite perfect, it is a vast improvement.

The sub floor, has some warping from years of various leaks. The hardwood has a crack of a few millimeters showing there is damage. But I just don't care that much. I can throw a rug down when the inlaws are here if it stresses them out. Now counters. I WANT new beautiful stone counters. I love marble, but I'd settle for granite. I would love that. But.....when it comes down to resale value, I think the first step is to replace the central AC. Because ours went out last year, after throwing nearly a thousand dollars at it, we stopped using it, and bought window AC's. And they work (although they are loud). However, if we had to sell in a hurry, I think the AC trumps the counters. Because who would buy a house without central air?

And Karl has about 10K in medical bills from last year, we ought to consider. So yeah. No pretty counters for me yet. Here's the thing: I sort of get a kick out of being the granny in my old house, with my outdated, painted countertops. It is kind of romantic, you know? If only I didn't have to work and could stay home and just ... be.  A girl has to dream.

I can't believe Spring break is more over than not. I feel anxiety rising in my belly, but I am not sure what is wrong. Oh, I dreamed about coteaching. The teachers let me know that Kathy was much better at it than me (she is, hands down. I sort of blank out when I am not running the show-It is hard to stay engaged-I am still looking for elementary! as much as I love what I am teaching this year, it won't last, and I need to work and plan and not be idle because then my brain checks out into lala land of imagination). I know I have to make changes, but the job market looks really lousy this year. And change is hard, and I am tired. It takes a lot of energy to start over. I am praying. I woke up yesterday with the knowledge that I should do home daycare, ran the bills one more time, and just don't think I can. It is our fault, it is the credit card debt, and of course, worries about retirement.Also with home daycare, the money would be less predicatable and there would be a lot fewer days off. Still it is tempting. Even now after running the numbers and seeing the possible financial ruin before me, my heart is pulling at my clothes begging for more freedom. Is it free to be stuck at home with kids? Is it free to have only two weeks off per year (and have to deal with irriated parents-and trust me-I'd be taking my two weeks).

See. I had decided I couldn't afford it, but this brain-this brain keeps wracking itself for alternatives. Just make it until income tax refund! That is what it is telling me. Oh-to have a crystal ball of the future and alternate futures. It would make everything so much easier. Do I want to do daycare, or do I want to be free? Do I want to watch kids or do I want to not have a boss and make my own schedule? And does any of that matter? How does everyone march off to work each, leaving behind their kids (and let me tell you, my big ones are driving me crazy this week), and home and feel like all is right with the world?
I don't.