It's Sunday morning. Karl and I talked about going to church. In fact, church and Sunday football are why we struggled so hard to get his schedule changed. Now he is off on Sunday, and I haven't gone yet.
We are both so bashful in such situations. Karl feels insecure about his station in life, but the only way he is going to rise up, is to fake it, look people in the eye and keep working towards what he wants. I don't know what my inner motivation is or isn't. Maybe it's the same, although I don't mind eye contact. Shaking hands is a problem. I have been neglecting my sweat treatments, and you know that moment when they make you stand and introduce yourself? Well, I feel pretty awkward insisting on a fist bump instead. I did a quick treatment this morning-I'll have this cup of coffee and see if it has an effect. If no sweat, then we will pull it together and go somewhere. If I sweat, then we will just have to wait until next week. Do you guys see what I go through? Before the sweat treatment, the anxiety over the sweating! It made me sweat more.
So happy I found it. Really. If you have a perfect body that doesn't do weird things, you might not imagine, but I don't. I am a lactose-intolerant, hands and feet sweating mess!
Anyway, we will see how that goes. The preschool's traditional service, which Karl prefers (he doesn't want any of that contemporary music stuff-he's so funny), is at 8:30, which I don't see happening at this point today. So we will go elsewhere or nowhere. That's another part of our issue. Denomination. We are both wobbly on our belief systems, so finding a fit will be interesting.
Same old stuff. I guess. It's fun to think about for me, though.
Karl doesn't want another baby! I can't imagine why. Well, he has two sons, but I just see this daughterless future stretching ahead of me, and I don't like it. I mean, of course I still have daughters, but Taryn is gone a lot and at a sulky age, and Tierney doesn't live here. Boys are nice, but they are not the same. I am not saying we won't have great times, but it isn't the same. We really can't afford another kid in daycare anyway, and technically it isn't the last time we could try, but as a teacher I think May is the best time for birth, and while I said last night, today is technically the very last day it could happen for that. I haven't been charting temperatures or anything, so I am not certain. It's not worth that much effort. I do have five kids. But I don't want a baby with someone who doesn't want one. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I know how helpless I felt when I got pregnant with Gabe, and how upset I was with Karl for not doing his expected part to prevent Gabe (fyi, this method has worked for me for 25 years so long as the man did his part). Of course there was the nearly five year dry spell between J and Karl. Blech. J. I mean yeah, he was a nice enough guy, but as comfortable as old pair of sweatsocks. Disappointing. We were never a couple. I wanted that, sort of, but I also knew we were just all wrong. The sweatsock thing. I don't regret the dry spell. I mean I could have found men, but I just don't like casual relationships. I am a very serious person. I think that was most surprising following my divorce.
When you are married, men are sweet and you feel like they are watching out for you (even if they really aren't. Perception). When you are not, men are out to have some fun, regardless of your tender heart (Again, how I perceived it). And the sweet ones are usually trying too hard and turning you off, and it's so hard to find just that right balance. Then I met Karl and his crazy mess, and he liked me, but was unsure about me (he though I was crazy, I knew he was a bucket of...complications). And I liked him, but he could still get younger, freer girls (at least for the night), and was unsure. He said it was all my books and the fact that I called him out when he was wrong. I just don't like inconsistencies. Glad it worked. Shrug.
So no baby for me. I kind of felt like I packed that away when Gabe was born. He was my sweet little surprise, but baby fever hits hard, and who doesn't want another person in their family to love? Other women seem happy with their choice, but surely they get baby fever, too. Maybe they are just strong-willed enough to remain secure in their decision. Regardless of what those tests say, I definitely go with my heart.
I do think about fostering and then adopting one or a small sibling group, but I think it would be even harder to get Karl on board that. Plus I heard that it's boys who have the most trouble finding homes, and of course, I would like to raise a little girl, so I feel guilty about all those boys who won't get forever families. Maybe boy/girl siblings. But, I have no idea how it works, or if I could afford it, I mean if I can't afford daycare for a baby, can I pay for adoption? Do you have to pay for adoption for foster kids? Also, there would be counseling costs, I imagine. I mean, you don't lose your birth family forever without there being scars. Things to think about.
It's kind of embarrassing and classically female, and some part of me yells, "Weak!", this desire to nurture small things. I don't want to be one of those people who live through their dogs. I mean, pets are great, don't get me wrong, but they aren't people.
What am I missing? This ache just sits here.
I wish daycares paid a living wage. I would work with the babies. I could try a home daycare, but I think I would get lonely without other adults around, and the money isn't stable.
Well. I have been stagnating for years, but there is something more for me to do. I believe this. I just don't know what it is.
I do love my older kids and my boys. I just want...more.
Happy Sunday! September 13th, right?:o) We will see. Karl gets so worked up, we often just have to turn the game off because my sensitive soul (I am, I swear), can't handle the red-faced string of obscenities coming from my husband.
We are both so bashful in such situations. Karl feels insecure about his station in life, but the only way he is going to rise up, is to fake it, look people in the eye and keep working towards what he wants. I don't know what my inner motivation is or isn't. Maybe it's the same, although I don't mind eye contact. Shaking hands is a problem. I have been neglecting my sweat treatments, and you know that moment when they make you stand and introduce yourself? Well, I feel pretty awkward insisting on a fist bump instead. I did a quick treatment this morning-I'll have this cup of coffee and see if it has an effect. If no sweat, then we will pull it together and go somewhere. If I sweat, then we will just have to wait until next week. Do you guys see what I go through? Before the sweat treatment, the anxiety over the sweating! It made me sweat more.
So happy I found it. Really. If you have a perfect body that doesn't do weird things, you might not imagine, but I don't. I am a lactose-intolerant, hands and feet sweating mess!
Anyway, we will see how that goes. The preschool's traditional service, which Karl prefers (he doesn't want any of that contemporary music stuff-he's so funny), is at 8:30, which I don't see happening at this point today. So we will go elsewhere or nowhere. That's another part of our issue. Denomination. We are both wobbly on our belief systems, so finding a fit will be interesting.
Same old stuff. I guess. It's fun to think about for me, though.
Karl doesn't want another baby! I can't imagine why. Well, he has two sons, but I just see this daughterless future stretching ahead of me, and I don't like it. I mean, of course I still have daughters, but Taryn is gone a lot and at a sulky age, and Tierney doesn't live here. Boys are nice, but they are not the same. I am not saying we won't have great times, but it isn't the same. We really can't afford another kid in daycare anyway, and technically it isn't the last time we could try, but as a teacher I think May is the best time for birth, and while I said last night, today is technically the very last day it could happen for that. I haven't been charting temperatures or anything, so I am not certain. It's not worth that much effort. I do have five kids. But I don't want a baby with someone who doesn't want one. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I know how helpless I felt when I got pregnant with Gabe, and how upset I was with Karl for not doing his expected part to prevent Gabe (fyi, this method has worked for me for 25 years so long as the man did his part). Of course there was the nearly five year dry spell between J and Karl. Blech. J. I mean yeah, he was a nice enough guy, but as comfortable as old pair of sweatsocks. Disappointing. We were never a couple. I wanted that, sort of, but I also knew we were just all wrong. The sweatsock thing. I don't regret the dry spell. I mean I could have found men, but I just don't like casual relationships. I am a very serious person. I think that was most surprising following my divorce.
When you are married, men are sweet and you feel like they are watching out for you (even if they really aren't. Perception). When you are not, men are out to have some fun, regardless of your tender heart (Again, how I perceived it). And the sweet ones are usually trying too hard and turning you off, and it's so hard to find just that right balance. Then I met Karl and his crazy mess, and he liked me, but was unsure about me (he though I was crazy, I knew he was a bucket of...complications). And I liked him, but he could still get younger, freer girls (at least for the night), and was unsure. He said it was all my books and the fact that I called him out when he was wrong. I just don't like inconsistencies. Glad it worked. Shrug.
So no baby for me. I kind of felt like I packed that away when Gabe was born. He was my sweet little surprise, but baby fever hits hard, and who doesn't want another person in their family to love? Other women seem happy with their choice, but surely they get baby fever, too. Maybe they are just strong-willed enough to remain secure in their decision. Regardless of what those tests say, I definitely go with my heart.
I do think about fostering and then adopting one or a small sibling group, but I think it would be even harder to get Karl on board that. Plus I heard that it's boys who have the most trouble finding homes, and of course, I would like to raise a little girl, so I feel guilty about all those boys who won't get forever families. Maybe boy/girl siblings. But, I have no idea how it works, or if I could afford it, I mean if I can't afford daycare for a baby, can I pay for adoption? Do you have to pay for adoption for foster kids? Also, there would be counseling costs, I imagine. I mean, you don't lose your birth family forever without there being scars. Things to think about.
It's kind of embarrassing and classically female, and some part of me yells, "Weak!", this desire to nurture small things. I don't want to be one of those people who live through their dogs. I mean, pets are great, don't get me wrong, but they aren't people.
What am I missing? This ache just sits here.
I wish daycares paid a living wage. I would work with the babies. I could try a home daycare, but I think I would get lonely without other adults around, and the money isn't stable.
Well. I have been stagnating for years, but there is something more for me to do. I believe this. I just don't know what it is.
I do love my older kids and my boys. I just want...more.
Happy Sunday! September 13th, right?:o) We will see. Karl gets so worked up, we often just have to turn the game off because my sensitive soul (I am, I swear), can't handle the red-faced string of obscenities coming from my husband.
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